how to start conversation with a girl?
Hey, Ryan Black here, and welcome to the next video in the series which is all about what to actually say when you start the conversation. If you haven’t watched the last two, it’s probably a good idea, right? We’ve gotta be coming from the right mindset, and we’ve gotta know how to actually stop a girl who’s moving that we have the best possible chance of actually getting her attention and being able to even start this conversation.
Now we’re there, we’ve stopped her correctly, go back and watch those and actually implement them before you actually come to this one. Otherwise, there’s no point. we need to do a few things.
What thought I’d do first is just show you some examples. You can kind of see, start to work out maybe what the structure is and what’s going on. And then we’ll cut away from that and I’ll break it down piece by piece for you.
Let’s just cut, take a look at me, doing a few of these approaches, and the pacing and the structure of what I’m doing, and then we’ll come back and I’ll break it all down for you. And you can see that it’s a very direct move, it’s a really direct way of stopping a girl and it backs up exactly what we’re about to say. What do we say? I’d break the daygame opener into five steps. And just to be clear, this is not a line, this is not a routine, this not an exact script you have to say.
One of the worst things you can do is just keep saying the exact same thing to every single girl you see because you’ve gotten into the habit of using it. You know, somebody told you, you saw it in a video, some coach told you, « Just say this thing, » and you keep saying it over and over.
It stops being authentic, it stops being genuine, the girl can feel it, and you’ll start getting much worse reactions. So, I break it down into five pieces and each one of these pieces, the point is, it’s framework. It’s a structure, you must, as quickly as possible, put your own words into the structure. You must put what you’re attracted to about her into the structure.
You must put the exact situation you’re in into the structure. You must use your own kind of language the way you talk. As if you’ll notice, the way I do it, and the words that I say, the was Sasha does it, the words that he says, are completely different.
There’s things that I would say that Sasha would never say. There’s things that Sasha would say that I would never say and that’s the point, that’s good. But we’re using the same framework, we’re using the same structure. That’s what’s important. So, number one is very easy.
You need to, as soon as you get in front and stop, you need to see that, that final, that second leg just kind of take one more step and you can fully, fully stop, then we have her attention. Until you have that attention, there’s no point in doing the rest. If she’s still kind of walking away, then it’s best to, you know, do your best and continue, but you may have to wait and reopen ’cause what we wanna see is that energy just drop and her look up expectantly, in her mind, wondering, « Oh, what is this? » And she’s not afraid, she’s not jumping back.
She’s not looking sort of distrust in me, like, « Oh, this guy’s about to sell me something. » And very importantly, she’s definitely not trying to avoid the situation completely. She’s not trying to look away and trying to move away before you’ve even had the chance to begin our opener. Some form of greeting, « Hi, » « Hello, » even, « Excuse me, » I’ll take. But, English guys especially, « Sorry, » no.
No sorries, okay? The last thing we wanna do as soon as we come up to a girl who were just meeting, is to apologize for being there. To apologize for, like, existing. And that word, « sorry’, I tend to see comes out of guys who have a limiting belief like they’re bothering girls just by trying to approach them. If you feel like you’re bothering somebody just by going up to them to say, « Hi, » to start a conversation, then that’s telling me that you don’t believe that you’re really giving value. You don’t really believe like you’re really giving value.
That meeting you is, at best, an inconvenience, rather than something that the average person would actually quite enjoy doing. And that’s a limiting belief you need to examine. That’s why that mindset stuff in the previous video is so important. So, some kind of greeting, and number two, what we do is what we call a preframe, that was invented by a guy called Marcus Oakey who I highly recommend.
We spend an hour just doing this, doing this structure and I don’t wanna get into it, into the details, but I’ll show you some examples of it when we cut back to some in-field footage, You’ll see what I mean. But a preframe is basically just helping her get used to the situation. It creates a bit of curiosity, builds a bit of tension, and it’s really important to have some kind of preframe before you actually deliver the rest of your opener.
So, some kind of greeting, some kind of preframe. Number three is an explanation of something about the situation. This isn’t always necessary. You’ll notice in some of Sasha’s in-fields, he doesn’t always use it. He jumps straight from preframe to the next step, which we’ll get to in a sec. But I like it because it does a few things.
Number one, it builds more trust, more understanding in her about what’s going on. It makes it clear, like, « Oh, I just saw you. » the example of the situation is just, « Oh, I was passing by and I saw you there, and– » That’s it, or you’re in a cafe: « Oh, I saw you sitting there reading a book « and I thought I would– » Just a little phrase that indicates what’s going on. Because remember, what we’re fighting against is salespeople and people trying to take value. This situation is really cool because it helps her understand, « Oh, this couldn’t possibly be a salesperson.
« He’s just a normal guy that saw me « and just felt like he wanted to speak with me « for some reason, I’m not sure what it is yet, « but I’m intrigued. » Alright it’s a useful thing to put in there. Especially when you’re doing things like approaches during the day where you kind of have to explain what’s going on, and she may have never experienced this before.
So it kinda makes sense to kind of be like, « Oh this is what’s happening, » so that she can become calm and be understanding rather than starting to freak out, like, « I don’t know what’s going on here. » number three is some kind of situation. Now, we’re almost there. Number four is finally what we’re there for. Number four is some kind of compliment.
Notice, right, we’ve kept the compliment back until four. And this is really useful and really important. This is something that I kind of drill into guys and it’s a really useful mindset to think about. Being direct and saying what we feel does not mean blurting out the first thing that sort of comes to mind.
It doesn’t mean you see a girl, you walk to em and you’re just like, « You’re hot, » just immediately. And the reason we don’t do that is because this is about not just, like, saying the first thing that comes to mind or just expressing ourselves. It’s about doing it the most effective way. It’s about doing it in a way that’s going to create as positive and emotional impact on her as possible.
And if we start with our compliment, then we lose the opportunity to really have as much of an impact. And that’s because, you know, girls are walking around, they’re kind of on their phone, they’ve got their headphones on, they’re kind of in their own world. The first few things that we say, which, again, is why it’s some kind of greeting, a pause, some kind of preframe or pause, some kind of situation and a pause is really useful ’cause it’s just bringing her to that present moment so that she can actually take it in, and the first thing we say probably she won’t even hear it.
If we say our amazing compliment right at the beginning, she’ll be like, « Wait, what, what, sorry, what’s that? » And we’ve lost the opportunity to have that emotional impact. it’s not just saying what we feel. It’s saying what we feel and communicating it in the most effective way. that’s why Compliment is actually number four, we’re almost done.
I want you to think about, if you’re writing notes here, what do you think is the worst compliment, or at least worst type of compliment. What would the worst kind of compliment be? And maybe, a lot of guys don’t get this, most guys don’t get this. So, someone would say, « Oh, some kind of thing « which is like an insult or like a nag. »
It’s definitely not a nag, guys, no nagging. We’re not doing that, (chuckles) that kind of stuff anymore. It’s not an insult, the worst type of compliment. And for me, the worst compliment you could give is « You look nice, » or « You look really nice. » Now why do you think that’s so bad. The reason for me is a few things.
Number one, think about it. Imagine if there’s a girl that you’re really interested in. Nothing’s happened yet, but you’d love to date her. And you’re not sure what the situation is, you’re not sure if she likes you. And one day, you’re sort of passing by somewhere, and you overhear a conversation. Maybe she’s sitting in a cafe with a friend of hers and you kind of pass by and she doesn’t notice you. You kind of go around the corner, and you’re listening into this conversation. Wondering, « Oh, maybe she’s gonna say something about me.
« Maybe she’s gonna reveal something « that’s gonna help me find out « if I’ve got a chance with this girl. » And, indeed, you are the subject of conversation, and you’re listening in and she says, « Oh, yeah, » and you hear her say, « yeah, he’s a nice guy.
« He’s a nice guy. « He’s a really nice guy. » Would you feel happy, would you be like, « Oh, I’ve got a chance, I’ve got a shot with this, » or would you be like, « Oh, no, she thinks I’m a nice guy, »? So, if you wouldn’t be too happy with being complimented that way by a girl that you’re interested in, then why would she be excited to hear that kind of compliment from you, if you’re interested in her?
The problem with it is it’s too general, and it’s basically trying to hedge your bets. It’s saying, « I don’t wanna go too far, « I don’t wanna, you know, maybe make her think « I’m putting her on a pedestal. « I don’t wanna be too much, I don’t wanna be too crazy « and over the top, and « I want a compliment « that I could just say to every girl, « so I don’t have to think about it. I don’t have to think about « what I actually like about this girl.
« I can just say anything and it’ll always work. » And the problem is the more you try to hedge your bets, and don’t take a risk in life, the more you try to appeal to everybody, the more you try to play it safe so that you can make sure that you never offend anybody and nobody can take you the wrong way, the less impact you’ll have on people, the more lukewarm responses you’re gonna get. That’s the way life is.
You need to be willing to be polarizing. You need to be willing to go a little bit too far and have some people actively dislike you in order to have the people that resonate with you and are into you really feel a magnetic attraction towards you, that’s the way things work. And this is true of this, it’s true of building a business in sales and marketing, it’s true of writing books, it’s true of everything. The worst type of compliment is a general kind of compliment you could just say to anybody.
So, if that’s the case, what’s the best type of compliment then, what’s the best one? Hopefully, you’re realizing if the worst is that, the best is probably something that’s specific, specific to her. And that’s what makes it so genuine. That makes it really genuine. And it’s very likely that if she’s at all interested, she’s gonna feel something.
What do I mean, what’s an example? Well, if you, this is why it’s important to pull ourselves in the present moment, to really take her in and allow her that space to walk past before we turn around because we have all that time to really look at her up and down, to see what her eyes are like, to see what kind of expression she has on her face, to see how she’s moving, to see how she’s dressed.
Just sort of imagining what her story might be. So, imagining what her dress indicates, what kind of joke she might have, or she might be be studying, if she’s wearing sort of yoga clothes, like she’s into her health and fitness and she likes to travel and she’s kind of a hippy. You don’t know, but the more you start to create that story in your mind based on what it is about her that you’re noticing, the better this is gonna be.
Not only for this opener but also for the conversation that we’ll get onto in one of the next videos. A specific compliment, like, « You have just this really confident walk, « and it’s really sexy, and I just love it, and I had to– » and we’ll get onto what the last part is. Or, « You have this dress sense and it’s just, « it’s all really perfectly put together « and I just, I love how, I love it, you know, « when a girl, like, puts herself together « and takes care of her appearance and that kind of thing. « It’s really good, it’s really working for you. » Or, « You just have this amazing energy. « There’s something about your energy. « You’re just really positive, like I, you know, « as I was just passing by, I had to come over.
« I just saw this radiant smile on your face « and I was just like, ‘Wow’. » Something like that because any of those, even if they’re a bit wrong-winded and overblown or whatever, even if you’re stumbling over your words a bit, which is totally okay, she’s gonna really get the sense that now you like something about her specifically. There’s no way you could have just been going around saying that exact thing to every single girl, and she’s gonna feel it if she’s at all interested.
That’s number four, specific, genuine compliment. And we’re almost done, ’cause it’s a five part thing. We’re almost done, but we’ve got four. Here’s the thing: what happens if we only go up to four? What if we just end it there, what’s the problem that you can see? So, let’s say I just go, « Hey– » (softly clears throat) Excuse me.
« Hi, listen, uh, « this may be a bit random, « but I was just walking past and you just look, « I just had to tell you, you look amazing. » And you just stop. What’s the problem with that? ‘Cause you’ve done a lot of good stuff.
You’ve used a preframe, you’ve said something about the situation, you didn’t apologize for being there. You didn’t give her a crappy nice compliment, you actually said something, you know, she looks absolutely amazing, it’s all good stuff, right? what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with that is you’re putting all of the impetus on her to know what to do and to continue the conversation.
You’re placing, you’re just throwing this compliment at her, which is probably unexpected for most girls. And you’re just sitting there and waiting for her to go, « Okay, I know what to do. » And just start asking you questions.
It’s expecting too much out of her. And as a man, remember, we’re the men, we are expected to go first. As a man, you go first, okay? You make the approach, you say the first thing, you lead her onto the date, you suggest what you’re gonna be doing, you lead on the dance floor. Everything is about man leading, being willing to go first. And that is just pre-programmed into us from the man protecting the girl.
You’re gonna have her behind you and you’re gonna open the door where you don’t know what’s behind it. And if there’s attackers coming out, you’re gonna be the first to go in there and beat off the attackers you can save her.
This is what girls want their type of guy to be like. That ability, that willingness to go first, make the first move, take the first step, is what she’s looking for. It’s a very attractive trait. If we just throw that compliment out and then sit down and hope that she knows what to do, most of the time, you know what happens.
Maybe you’ve tried something like that and you’re kind of kicking yourself now because all the time you do all that great stuff, you say, « And you look amazing, » and she goes, « Oh, thanks very much, » and then just walks off. And you’re having to fight against it. You’re going, « Oh, (stuttering) no, wait, um, » and having to think, « Oh, I need some transition stuff. » well maybe, but maybe you just need to remember to do Step Five, the last step.
So here we go, we’re almost done with the opener. So, Step Five is really important, all it is is very simple. We need to tell her why we’re there. We need to make it clear about what’s going on. Like, why are we here? And what I call it is the Intent. So we just need to make it clear, « I’m not here to just give you this compliment. » I mean, it’s great, and it’s lovely, but I’m not just going around, giving out random compliments to girls, and then bidding them a good day and walk off.
That’s lovely, and I encourage you on the course of your days, build up social momentum, walk around and just be like, « Oh, hey, cool shirt, Bro. » And whatever, you know, coffee shop would be like, « Oh, that’s a nice thing, » or whatever, or, « Oh, I like your hair today, » and just be a nice person and throw out compliments to people.
But in this specific situation, you’ve stopped her, you’ve really gotten in front and stopped her because you wanna meet her, you wanna get to know her, you wanna find out about her. And in the hopes that she’s really cool and you wanna spend more time with together so that you can exchange contact details or go for an instant date, see each other again, get to know each other more, and eventually begin some kind of relationship, right?
That’s why you’re there. You gotta express that in some way, ’cause she doesn’t know. Again, she has not, probably, had this happen to her before. The way to do that is just to end it with, « And I had to come meet you. » « I had to come find out something about you. » And what’s really cool is if we can link the Part Four and Part Five.
If we can link something about that compliment, something about her that we find attractive with that intent. for example, we could say, you know, the confident walk example I gave before, « Really confident walk, really sexy. « And I had to find out are you « like a high-powered business person, « did you just make a million dollars? « Or are you just naturally confident, what’s going on? « I just had to find out more. » That’s it, it’s super simple, but it’s actually really powerful that I want you to go out and use. Dont just sit here, taking notes, and all nodding, and being like, « Oh, that makes sense. » Go out and do it. Comment below, let me know how it’s going. Let me know what you’re doing, let me know your questions. If you don’t agree with me, tell me why.